Reno Can Do Better

There are over four hundred windblown, and largely empty miles between Reno and Las Vegas.  The rivalry between the University of Nevada, Reno and UNLV is said to be bitter and nasty, so much so that UNR students wear FUNLV t-shirts during the annual football game between the two powerhouses? of Nevada.  Really quite pointless, all things considered.  Though I am a Nevada Alum (graduates from the Reno branch of the university system have claimed the title ‘Nevada’ as their own as it was the first university in the state, though not originally located in Reno-another story) there is a somewhat more important contest in which Reno has edged out Fabulous Las Vegas.  Men’s Health Magazine recently published an article entitled America’s Saddest Cities and our Biggest Little City ranked 92nd out of 100 cities on the list.  Las Vegas ranks number 91, which means what, that Reno is sadder than Las Vegas?  That horrifying towns like Louisville and Detroit come in even further down the depression scale is not surprising, but what the hell, have you been to Las Vegas any time between May and October when the temperature is roughly equal to the core of the sun at 15,000,000 C°?  I rented a black Ford Focus one sandblasted summer afternoon in Las Vegas and it never once became remotely cool inside the thing even after five days of max a/c and making all attempts to park in whatever shade was available.  Residents of the city are likely not so much sad as they are bitter that it is so fiery hot at all times that they cannot go outside without dying instantly.

Reno is worse, or at least more sad than that.  We use more anti-depressants and commit suicide more often than anyone else in the country.  After nearly twenty-two years in this town, I think it’s finally beaten me.  How can anyone bear to live in what is essentially the 9th saddest city in the United States?  But where the hell do I go, Cheyenne, Wyoming?  The capital of the Cowboy State ranks number 30 with a grade of C+!  Nice, huh, compared to Reno’s big fat F!  Or how about Sioux Falls, SD, which comes in at number 7?  Honolulu ranks first, of course…bastards.  Fresno is happier than Reno?  This may as well be a sign of the Apocalypse for Reno.  Over the last few months we’ve had plane and train crashes, Hell’s Angels murders, fires and people mowed down in the streets.  Now we’re one of the most depressing places to live.  Outstanding.  Lubbock, TX and Stockton, CA are better than us.  This is the end of us; though boom and bust have always been prevalent here in the west, this may be the thing that causes Reno to close up shop and call it done.  Bring on the nuclear waste, I guess.  Open Yucca Mountain and get it over with.  At least then we’ll have one more thing to be sad about.  Then maybe Reno can shoot for the big time, which would be to usurp St. Petersburg, FL as the absolutely saddest and most drug addled, unemployed, suicide-prone lot in the U.S.  We can win this thing if we really try!